I Survived a Celebrity Game Show
by FlowerofAdversity
Summary: Pair the quartet of Blue Collar Comedy with four members of Keeping Up Appearances and we get "Woodsy Survivor", the first real "Survivor" before Americans began taping Survivor reality shows. Larry gets a bit more than he bargained for, as do his friends


I Survived A Celebrity Game Show

Synopsis: Larry the Cable Guy's ratings are a bit on the low side so he decides, along with the Blue Collar crew to go on a celebrity game show that is like survivor, only different. It is the BBC version, in which contestants live in a home for one whole week, no electricity, only the bare amenities and conveniences of life. He finds himself in a bit over his head when he crosses horns with Patricia Routledge from "Keeping Up Appearances".

Teams

Loggers

Bill

Jeff

Patricia

Judy

Hunters

Larry

Ron

Geoffrey

Clive

Chapter 1--Meeting the Houseguests

Larry had been on game shows before but never one in which he would be sharing a house with actors and actresses he had never even heard of. Apparently they were from a long-running comedy series called Keeping Up Appearances. He had no clue what he was getting himself into, however because the house he would staying in only had the bare amenities in order for survival. Bill wasn't liking that part of the agreement either. In fact _none _of the men were pleased with what they signed up for versus what they were seeing now. It was an old, rickety shack with enough room for the Blue Collar crew and four members from "KUA" as the fans so lovingly called it.

"I don't know about you, but I think this is going to suck !", Ron whispered to Larry through gritted teeth.

"Aw, Ron…give it a chance. Maybe it will grow on you.", Larry answered, optimistically.

"AHHH ! There's mildew in the shower and mold in the crapper !", Bill screamed as he rushed out of the bathroom with a piece of toilet paper stuck to the back of his shoe.

"I doubt that, highly. Remind me to kill you later.", Ron threatened, pointing a finger at him before they were gathered to meet their four roommates.

There was Patricia, the star of the show, who played Hyacinth Bucket (pronounced "bouquet"), a snooty, high-brow socialite with selective hearing and presuming that she was the self-elected queen of everything. Then came her husband, Richard, who was played by Clive Swift. Richard played the typical hen-pecked husband, who did his best to keep Hyacinth happy. Then there was a guy that the Blue Collar Crew could really relate to. Onslow. Onslow, played ingeniously by Geoffrey Hughes, was a lower-class, tank-top wearing slob who spent most of his time watching TV and eating chips out of a bag either with the dog on his lap or somewhere nearby. Daisy, played equally well by Judy Cornwell, portrayed a sometimes doting wife (she had a boy toy in one episode but there was never a tryst involved), like Onslow was overweight, but devoted in keeping her hubby happy.

The host, Simon Cowell, had gathered them into the kitchen to introduce everyone officially. There was a prize of 200,000,000 involved and that was only for the person that didn't flip out first. They would be spending a total of two weeks in the "shack from hell". Simon warned them,

"Many have good intentions when they enter the facility, but so many have walked out. Their perspective changed forever. I have seen strange events occurring here…I also here this particular locale is haunted. But you don't believe such tripe, now, do you ?"

Of course, the contestants shook their heads back and forth. The groups were then split up into two teams, The Loggers and the Hunters. To be fair, the Loggers were co-ed , and the Hunters, appropriately, were male. With everything explained to them, Simon took his leave, and the Hunters and Loggers took their rooms to sleep for the night and prepare for the cruelty that waited for them in the next 9 days.

Chapter 2--This Isn't London

Patricia wasn't used to living in a shoddy dump either, but like her female coworkers, was toughing it out. Larry and Ron were on their team and Ron was still one step away from bolting from the cabin. It wasn't to say he didn't enjoy sharing the room with some rather pleasant English folk, but missed home. He was afraid that if he quit now, Larry would give him an earful about it later when they were on tour. So, following the prim and proper lady's example, he gritted his teeth and bared whatever was to come.

Both Americans on either team had questions about England and all their questions were answered, especially what life was like in London.

"I find it amusing you call a closet a hole.", Jeff said, chuckling.

"That's what it is, isn't it ?", Geoffrey answered, bluntly. He wasn't so much different from his TV character only that in real life, he wasn't such a slob and happened to be an upstanding gentleman.

"No. Here a hole is something you use to bury stuff in, or a doughnut hole, which can be consumed.", Bill replied. Clive was tickled by that.

"You Yanks are odd.", he said, and the whole lot of them laughed.

It was time for breakfast. So, the Loggers and Hunters went about their duties to make certain everyone was fed and provided for. Everyone prepared for the day ahead of them.

"Did ya hear any ghosties last night ?", Larry said, trying to frighten the opposite team.

"No. Why ? Did _you_, Larry ?", Jeff responded, a bit annoyed.

"I wouldn't want you leaving this oh-so-lovely locale…", he said, just as Larry was leaving.

"What was that ?", Larry asked, invading his friend's personal space. In this case, they were soon to become mortal enemies.

"I wasn't implying you're a wuss. Oh, no. Not by _any_ means. I am only saying, if this cabin really is spooked you'll be the first to go on home to mamma !", Jeff responded, laughing heartily. It was just then the two engaged in a fist fight and Geoffrey had to separate them.

"Gentlemen, please ! This is not the time nor the place.", he said, shaking his head after the two had cooled down. He hoped the rest of the day wouldn't be like this and was glad when the two stormed off into the woods for some alone time to reconsider their actions and find themselves.

"I can tell you one thing right now, Geoff. This certainly isn't London.", Judy said, tsking at the antics she had seen earlier.

"Oh really ? You think ?", Geoff answered, and laughed. There were still challenges yet to come that Simon would leave for them in their separate mailboxes. But for now, it was more important they stock up for food for the rest of the day and pray that it didn't rain for there were ominous clouds gathering in the distance.

Chapter 3--This Place IS Haunted !

The rain held off for that day but the lightning began rippling through the skies at night.

"Oh, crap. I hope this hell hole doesn't leak.", Bill said as he was sitting on the porch, idly strumming his guitar. When the lightning began to strike, he took his guitar in with him and prepared for bed. This was the time that Ron thought it would be good to tell a good old fashioned, _gory_ ghost story.

"And the man survived even with his head shot CLEAN off ! Some say, the poor hunter's headless body searches these grounds, looking for his lost head.", Ron ended the story, laughing wildly.

"What a horridly gruesome tale.", Clive remarked, wrinkling his nose.

"None of it is true, you know. Ron just made it up to frighten us.", Patricia added.

"I don't know. It did sound awfully convincing. Plus, _things _happen out in the forests ! Forests are mystical places !", Bill said, holding his knees up to his chest, curled in the fetal position. Ron stifled a giggle. He couldn't believe Bill could've been so gullible. It was, after all, only a story.

That night, Bill was the first to wake up and get a glass of water from the well. His only light was a rustic kerosene lantern. In the distance, he could hear rustling in the woods. He realized everyone was asleep and grabbed a nearby stick on top of the log pile he and his crew had gathered earlier.

"I don't know who you are, but if you're trying to mess with me, back off ! I have a stick and I know how to use it !", he said, brandishing the stick wildly. The rustling became louder until a pale specter stood in front of him, looking forlorn. The ghost, dressed in overalls and Amish attire, looked forlorn. He spoke no words but looked at Ron for a while, who dropped his stick and was so scared he peed in his pants.

" Shit ! This place really _is _haunted !", he yelped as he bolted his way to find Simon's house. The rest of the houseguests, by this time, were already snug in bed and hadn't noticed Bill's absence. They would by the second day when Simon informed them of his resignation.

Chapter 4--Scavenger Hunt

The contestants awoke to Simon ringing a bell to summon them to the Meeting House.

"Fellow Loggers. I have a bit of bad news. Your team member, Bill, decided to leave you last night. Seems something _spooked _him." Simon said, resisting the urge not to make another ghostly allusion.

"So, Ron was right…there are spirits here.", Clive said.

"Hogwash. I'll believe it when I see it.", Larry said, standing by his beliefs.

"I've come to give you a challenge. A scavenger hunt.", he said, giving each 'leader' of the team a list and a pencil to mark off their finds. Of course, the items would be hidden around the forest and none of them would be easy to find. Each would be hinted at by cryptic clues in the list and this task would not be so easily completed.

But with winning in mind, both teams set out to begin their hunt, and if they had to, would brave the dark and unfamiliar woods to sleep in for the night far from shelter.

The first item, listed cryptically was an acorn. These of course, were simple enough to find and the Loggers had no trouble finding what they sought. The Hunters, however, were having a bit of trouble even figuring out the clue. It said,

"In Latin, my name means 'horn'. If you look surely you will find me, I am all around." As if anyone would know 'corn' was also used to denote what a unicorn possessed…One horn.

It was late and at last, the Hunters found their first item.

"But it's gonna take all the rest of the bloody night to find what we need and our light's already dim. Damn !", Geoffrey said, idly kicking at some dirt and stubbing his toe. He swore silently as he jumped up and down a bit. Ron and Larry tried not to laugh in his hour of agony but it was difficult. Clive rolled his eyes, but he had come prepared with a kerosene lamp and some supplies just in case they needed them.

"I don't think we'll be completing this one, fellows. It's late. Let's rest.", he said, making a crude tent over a hanging branch and snuggling down in some leaves to sleep. The others, groaning knew it was better not to start a fight and simply follow the leadership of Clive.

By the next day, the Hunters were half-way through their list but the Loggers had already completed there's. Simon had forgotten to mention that if one team hadn't completed the task they would have to vote off a member. This of course brought intrigue to the game.

"Loggers, I must say, well played ! As for the Hunters, one of you will be going home tonight. ", he said, solemnly. It was only Wednesday and already the Loggers were already feeling the pain of having lost Bill to unexplained phenomena. The Hunters gazed at each other.

"Geoffrey, old chap, I hate to say this, but since you were the last one to make it to the safe house, you are to be ejected from the cabin.", Simon stated, sadly. Geoffrey was both surprised and upset by this revelation.

"A fine turn of events this has been.", he said as he left, baggage and all. Bizarrely, a double-decker bus had come to receive him and take him out of the woods back to London, where the final prize winner would be announced and take home the prize money. Of course, there would be a consolation prize for the runner-up, which included a package for 2 to spend time together in lovely Cabo San Lucas.

As far as Larry was concerned, he hoped he won the consolation prize since he had always wanted to travel there.

Chapter 5--Tent Builders

After a long day of scavenging for clues, both teams were tuckered out. They had eaten and gone to bed. During the next morning after breakfast, Simon had given them their second written challenge.

"You passed the first trial. Let's see how good you are at the second. Make a tent out of natural supplies. You cannot make a tent out of anything you readily have available. This challenge only requires that which Mother Nature gave to us.", the letters read.

"Oh, bugger.", Clive swore, rolling his eyes.

"My sentiments exactly.", Ron agreed.

"Don't worry about it. I've been out in the woods plenty a times.", Larry said reassuring them. Once they heard these words come from his mouth, they had a feeling they'd clinch this win in no time. They would be able to pull their feet from the fire and perhaps even level the playing field. In no time, they had been able to pitch their tent and Larry had gotten food for them.

"I hope you like fish, guys.", he said, honestly.

"I don't mind. I rarely eat from the land, but since we have no other choice, might as well dig in.", Clive said, pleasantly and the Loggers had their first meal of the day. They had enough to savor for later, not eating every last drop. They would have to save what they had for dinner and hope what they had would keep them full until morning.

The Loggers, however, were having some real difficulties. Jeff, who had always relied upon Bill and Larry found himself in quite a bit of trouble. The women, however, used their creativity and ingenuity and fashioned quite a nice tent. The only trouble is, a storm soon came and the leaves that were providing them shelter were knocked down. The poor Loggers had to huddle together for warmth and knew that tomorrow, their tent was going to receive an F grade. Ah well, they had tried their best, failed miserably but given it their all.

The day after, Simon judged the tents and the Loggers, as predicted, had lost this particular challenge. Simon, on hearing what had happened, had been touched, but according to the rules of the game could not let the Loggers come out of this having to say goodbye to Judy. She had held them back in getting supplies and was slow to getting the shelter built.

"I had a feeling I had become an impediment. Patricia, win this one for KUA fans everywhere, you hear me ?!", Judy said before she was received by the double-decker bus and was fared home.

"How are they getting that thing in here with those shoddy roads in the wood ?", Clive wondered.

"A double decker ? That's pretty posh.", Patricia thought. She hoped she could stay off that 'red bus of rejects' at least one episode longer. There were 3 more days to go. Sunday would be the final day of reckoning for all of them and both of them were equalizing the other with their members.

Chapter 6--Only One Can Win

After all the challenges and 'strange 'gourmet' cuisines (basically earthworms but garnished with salsa to make it seem all the more 'tasty' which it certainly wasn't), Patricia and Larry had been the only ones to make it out of all the challenges. Both were enervated and neither one was certain who would win the all-expenses paid trip to Cabo San Lucas. If they won, they could take a family member or members with them. Limit to how many people could attend was 3, and Larry knew exactly who he'd take. He had known Jeff had wanted to go, so he dedicated a little side thought to him before the next challenge would be decided.

"I know you couldn't go through with the 'proper insect cuisine' challenge and frankly, I believe that disgusting obstacle was created just to oust contestants. Whatever it had been designed initially to do, it done it good. Anyway, let's forget that nasty past and think on the future. You're my best buddy and I was thinking…If I win this game, which I might, you and your wifey can come with me to Cabo. Just thought it was time you deserved a break. You need to put your feet up boy, you work too dern hard !", Larry said to one of the cameramen.

The last obstacle to be faced was one of strategy and statistics. They would be playing a game of Hunter versus Logger. Of course, the Logger was to be the prey and the Hunter, predator. Larry knew everything about hunting trips and almost felt for certain his win was in the bag, but Patricia was full of surprises.

The sophisticated game of hide and seek lasted until early the next morning and Patricia could've sworn she had lost Larry until she was hit in the back. Luckily she had a protective vest on so the paintballs didn't sting.

"Looks like victory goes to the better one of us.", Patricia stated, demurely.

"I never thought I'd catch up to you. We were equally matched. Here's to a game well played, my British friend.", Larry said, shaking her hand. There were no hard feelings from either side and she even hugged him before she had been sent home.

Epilogue 

Not too soon after "Woodsy Survivor" had been taped, Larry had taken _everyone _on that flight to Cabo. He knew that the flight was limited but had enough money to include them too. He sent Simon a note, apologizing ahead of time, but Simon thought it was very courteous and generous of him to be so outgoing to his friends. He even sent the cast of KUA a gift for their friendship. Each of them got a coupon to their favorite store in London and even though the gift cards were for a small amount of money, the cast members showed their appreciation by sending them postcards as they were enjoying their time in Cabo.

When Larry and the gang regrouped they vowed never to be so gullible to believe the taglines that proceeded game show tapings again.

"If it's something like Family Feud, I dig it.", Ron confessed.

"I'm with you there, Ron. I'd do that again anytime. Besides, what we _did _win went to charity and that felt great.", Bill chimed in.

"Sorry guys, my brain is still in Cabo.", Jeff joked as they sat around a table at Applebee's having a blast. Times like these were what made their friendship truly golden. They wondered what the cast of KUA was doing at about this time. If Larry knew them well enough, he speculated they were sitting around a tearoom having as much fun as they were now, and one thing united them all: friendship.

The End


End file.
